I am so tired…….

I have finally reached point in my life where I am tired of being overweight. I am tired of not looking at myself in the mirror because it makes me sick to my stomach. I am tired of always being conscience of what I look like to other people – tired of what shirts show what rolls or what pants show what dimples. I am tired of the way it makes me feel when someone is talking to me and their eyes wander down to my stomach as they take a glance at my roll. I am tired of walking into a store to buy clothes feeling normal and walking out frustrated and hating myself. I am tired of not being looked by men the way that I used to – or feeling that way about myself for that matter. I am tired of thinking “I don’t look good, I just look less fat in this outfit.” I am tired of worrying if I will exceed the weight limit on something – like a ride at a park or a boat. I am tired of looking into a crowd of people and thinking only “I wish I had her body.” or “I wish I looked like that.” I am tired of people lying to my face when I call myself fat, they say – “no, you’re not fat you’re just a little overweight.” Or “your not fat, you’re just big boned.” I am fat, and I know I’m fat, I know when you look at me you see that I am fat. I am tired of being the biggest person in the room. I am tired of being the biggest person at my entire company. I am just sick and tired of being overweight.

I have tried diets, eating right and in small quantities. I even cut beef out of my diet. I tried not eating any junk foods or sweets. I joined Curves once and wasted a hell of a lot of money on that. Thus far I have not been able to find something that works for me. It is not about finding something that makes you lose weight, it is about finding something that you can do, realistically. Something that will fit into your life, not something that you need to change your life to fit to. The things that I tried before didn’t work for me because they weren’t something that I could realistically fit into my life. My sister told me that she wanted to lose weight and that she didn’t want to spend her 30’s being fat. That really hit home with me. At 28, I don’t want to spend my 30’s being fat either. I didn’t spend all of my 20’s being fat, but the older I get the more weight I seem to put on and at the rate I’m going I would have to spend half of my 30’s trying to lose all of the weight I put on in my 20’s. I told myself and my bf (boyfriend) that if I got enough money this year for Christmas, I was going to spend it to join one of the weight loss programs that I always wanted to try but never had the money for. So, that’s what I did.

I realized after I placed the order and the boxes with the food arrived what a huge commitment this is. There is no way that I would want to have spent that much money on something and not give it my very best shot. I mean it cost me more in one month for a weight loss program than it did for my car payment and car insurance. I think now that the reason for the cost of the program may just be to add to the determination. And, I signed up for 2 months so I could get the discount…… so now I really have to stick with it. No way am I spending that kind of money and not losing any weight because I don’t stick to the program.

Anyway – day one has come and gone (it was yesterday). I realized alot of things about myself and about my life on the very first day. First, this program seems dooable. I mean, the food is ok tasting (so far) and you get to supplement it with veggies, dairy, fruit, and breads (sometimes). I actually look forward to planning my meals everyday and making a grocery list for the week. I like how my cart looks too, when it’s full – like I am eating healthy. For the first time I feel like this is something that I can stick with and learn from so that when I’m not paying an arm and a leg to lose weight, I will still make good choices and keep the weight off. That may have something to do with the fact that I am totally disgusted with myself and my weight at this point….huh… I also realized that I am a compulsive eater. It’s not that I’m hungry or I always even like what I am eating, it is a compulsive reaction to everything. It takes alot of will power to walk by or see something that I want and not eat it. And it all adds up. A handful of peanuts here, a chocolate kiss there. I don’t eat it because I’m hungry, I eat it because it’s habit and I can’t help myself. I am an over-indulger, if there is such a word. I can’t have just 2 pieces of pizza and stop when I’m full, I have to have 4 pieces and stuff myself. Trying to retrain myself and reach deep down to find some will power to resist these temptations and not succumb to old habits is really, truly one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Even on this program, once I start eating and everything is gone I find myself looking around for something else to eat. It is especially hard at work. Here I am, first day of the diet (happens to be a Monday), I walk into work after having eaten part of my breakfast portion and feeling kinda good about myself – and there it is……. the tray of homemade brownie things just sitting there on the counter of the reception area…. calling me….. I could smell them as soon as I walked in the door. ALL DAY…..all day I had to walk by them every single time I went to the fax machine or the rest room or anywhere in the office for that matter. Talk about a test of will power and commitment…… my very first day. It was torture. But what can I do? I noticed that I tend to think about eating and actually eat more if I am able to plainly view food. e.g. chips on the counter, chocolates in the jar, cookies on a plate, etc. The first thing I did when I received the program food, was go through my own kitchen and get rid of anything that was in plain sight. My bf is not on a diet so I can’t ignore his likes, but I can put them in the bread box or the pantry and hide them in the fridge or the freezer. But when I’m at work, I can’t ask these people to hide the food from me. Or even to keep it in the kitchen. Are you kidding me? I am the only one at the company who is overweight and that is MY problem, not theirs. So, one day at a time….. and it is hard…. but I soooo much want to lose weight and feel good about myself again. I want people to look at me because I look good, not look at me and wonder why I’m so fat and if I just lost a little weight I would look good. I find myself wondering when I will be able to go to a movie theater – how can I go now when eating popcorn and watching a movie go hand in hand? I worry about my sister’s b-day party this weekend… do I be rude and take my program food or do I try to eat what is there and still be able to keep it in my calorie range? I was just asked to go to some sort of customer appreciation dinner with my coworkers and I had to tell them no. I’m not ready for that. But I do need to take one day at a time, day by day. It’s a good mantra.

So, don’t wish me luck – wish me strength and willpower to take back control of my body and my life.

😀