I have been going through a rough time in my marriage, though I am sure that for my husband it does not seem as rough because he is not on the receiving end of the pain (seems to be the norm in this relationship). I prayed and prayed and asked God to put realization in my husbands’ heart. I prayed that he would realize what he does and why and what he has and what he stands to lose. God answered my prayers, just not in the way that I wanted… (seems to be the norm with God! 😉 Anyway, not long after that I stumbled (was not looking) accross some disturbing text messages from another woman to my husband… Once again, my heart broke and I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital for an anxiety attack. I had let myself trust my husband, again, believing that once we were married he had everything that he wanted and did not need to go elsewhere. I convinced myself that my husband would not do anything that might result in the end of our marriage and ultimately his son growing up without his daddy being present for everything. Turns out I was wrong. Wrong because he doesn’t think that his behavior warrents the ending of the marriage, or wrong becuase his needs override any doubts that what he is doing is hurtful to me? That remains to be seen..
God answered my prayers by giving me the realization. I realize now, having gone through this with my husband yet again, that what we have here is a personality conflict. We have personalities that are at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. My husband has what I would catogorize as a “narcassitic personality” and having that, he needs constant adoration and attention. This is a problem for us, because it is not part of my personality to give constant adoration and attention.. or so it would seem. I question whether it is just not my nature, or it is not my nature just with him? Am I capable of giving more adoration and attention under different circumstances? Another one of my husbands’ personality traits is that he doesn’t seem to care about how anyone else feels or what they think, especially if it interferes with what he wants for himself. I always say that at the end of the day, he is going to do what he wants to do no matter what anyone else thinks or feels about it. And, this is true. It doesn’t matter so much except when it affects me and our family. I don’t like having someone make decisions for me, based on what they want, without at least asking me what I think or how I feel about it. I think that is one of our biggest relationship issues, at least it is for me. He interprets asking someone else what they think or how they would feel about something as “someone telling me what to do” – his words exactly. I think that in a relationship it is VERY important to discuss making a big decision with your partner instead of just doing what you want. If your partner doesn’t like or agree with your decision, then you have an aguement and discontent. It is really frustratingly difficult to try and have a conversation with someone who doesn’t take responsibilty for anything.. ever.
I bring this up becuase I have asked myself, am I unable to give him what he needs (adoration and attention) becuase he is unable to give me what I need (consideration and respect as a partner) and that makes me bitter? Is this something that can be amended or do we just say we are too different to move forward?
Unfortuneately for me, his need for adoration and attention has led him to some dishonorable and questionable relationships with other women. This hurts and I am just not ok with his behavior no matter how much I try to act like or convince myself that I am. When we first met, he told me that he had alot of female “friends” and that alot of other women that he had been in relationships with had a problem with it. At that time, when we were dating, I didn’t have a problem with it becuase I had alot of male friends. But once I found out that I was pregnant and made the decision to move forward with our relationship, I realized that it wasn’t healthy for me to have so many men in my life. As long as I had other men to turn to and talk to, I wouldn’t be talking to him. I guess it was just wishful thinking on my part that he would have the same feelings and thoughts about having relationships with other women. At the end of the day, although I may be able to act the part, everytime he hurts me I move farther and farther away from him and our relationship. A true crab at heart, I am forced to protect myself by retreating and snapping my claws. I feel like I have sacrificed so much and made so many concessions in our relationship for him, and he gives me nothing in return. Am I bitter about that? Probably.
Although I want to forgive him for his latest indiscretion, it is hard to forgive a lie. And I believe that he is lying to himself and to me, still. I am not so confident that he is capable of change, even if he wanted to. I want to believe that he will let his desire for a family override his desire for adoration and attention, but it hasn’t thus far and he has been this way his whole life. I want more than anything to move forward for our son, but is that what I want for me??
