I usually have alot of thoughts going at once in my head and it’s sometimes hard to concentrate and focus on one thought or idea. With everything going on right now and me being so emotionally charged, I feel like my thoughts are being tumbled around in a dryer. It would be so much easier if my thoughts could go straight from my head to paper or computer without me having to speak, write, or type them…. maybe in another lifetime.
I just can’t stop thinking about my Mom and my husband.. my husband and my Mom. Both relationships are not good right now and ironically, they have similar personalities which happen to be totally opposite of mine. It’s almost as if I don’t have room for both of their difficult personalities in my life right now.. I only have enough emotions to deal with one… and as of right now, I don’t have a relationship with my Mother. I have tried, believe me, I have tried. But at this point in my life, I don’t have the energy or emotional stamina it takes to have her in my life in any real way. I just really have a hard time accepting that she doesn’t take responsibility for anything in her life, for where she is in her life right now. Everyone and everything else is to blame. She has let bitterness, anger, sadness, and negativity define her life and her character. Her whole being is negatively charged and if you are not careful, you can get sucked into the negative energy when you are around her.. or even just from talking to her.
She visited 2 weeks ago, to pick up my nephew and take him back to Michigan with her. ?While she was here, she gave me the book that she wrote and had published through one of those self-edit companies where you make money the more books you sell. I could only get through the first few chapters because even for a good reader such as myself, it was a hard read. What jumped out at me in those first chapters though, is that my Mom is the main character of the book, and she is still the exact same way now that she was in the 60’s. She still pushes people away and she still, almost obsessively, craves some sort of recognition or justification for her life and her decisions….
Ah, my thoughts are taking another tumble around and I have lost the object of this rambling…