I find myself here again… here on my blog. I wonder why but then I already know that it’s because I need to purge my over-charged emotions and I don’t have anywhere else to do it. I know that there are certain people that I need to purge to, as they should be the recipients of hearing about my feelings, but right now I do not have the emotional courage it takes to do that. So as mentioned in a previous post, my thoughts will tumble around in my mind all dryer-like until I open the door and let them out. I am such an emotional creature, and I know it. I need to tell people how I feel, either right when I am feeling it, or after a period of calming down and collecting, or I will emostress (new word, just made up, combination of emotional stress) myself into depression. Sometimes talking to other people about who or what is bothering me helps and does the trick, and sometimes not. Not, being the case when the intended recipient refuses to hear that they cause any sort of emotional, mental, or physical stress in another person. Mostly my husband and my mother are this way. My mother is another story, perhaps another blog altogether. I guess what I am getting around to is that I have been trying to figure out a way that I can deal with being with my husband when he does not reciprocate things in a relationship that I think are important for longevity, and..well.. that are important to me. There I said it… I am beginning to question myself and my strength… can I continue on like this or not?
Recently, as recent as New Years Day, my husband lashed out at me at the breakfast table and said something deliberately to hurt me (yes that was the intended purpose). It hurt me, not because of what he said but because of why he said it. I had been talking to him about my thoughts on other members of my family becoming more like my Mother, in a way that is alienating them from other members of their family. Basically, seeing that he is my husband and life partner, I was sharing my feelings and emotions and being venerable. At the first opportunity, he used what I had shared with him as a weapon against me. And for what? Because I made him feel some kind of way about something, that made it ok? Why would someone that loves me, want to deliberately hurt me that way? I know why, because he has a narcissistic personality and he felt like I was attacking his character, so he needed to redeem himself by putting me in my place. Now not only can I not confide in my husband, he has pushed me farther away. Normally in a relationship that is even somewhat healthy, I would be able to say to my partner “It really hurt me when you did this…” and most normal people would respond with, “I’m sorry…” Not my husband though.. he is never sorry, not to me anyway. There is always something that I did that justified HIS behavior. Or, he just flat out dismisses it with “I didn’t do that” or “Why are you making a big deal of it, it’s over and done with and there is nothing that can be done about it now.”
This is one of the many times that my husband has hurt me and I have not been able to communicate it with him because he just won’t hear it and as always will try to make it my fault in some way. I tell myself, and my very close friends, that I can deal with it and I am dealing with it (if I tell them at all) but my son put a chink in my faux armor when he asked me twice recently “what’s wrong with you Mommy? Are you sick? Why are you so sad? You seem so sad lately”. I can’t lie to myself anymore when the innocence sees through me…