When all is lost, I am found.

“Staying together for the kids will not do them any favors when they have to live in a home filled with negative energy and lack of love.”

I saw this quote on FB the other day, and it really resonated with me and my life right now. Divorce sucks. Separation of parents sucks. Doesn’t matter who did what or whose fault it is, it always comes with hurt feelings and guilt (even if only a small part) for everyone. I think the hardest part for the couple involved is stripping away the layers of hurt, anger, and pain and really looking at the core of the relationship and why it didn’t work. This calls for each person to examine themselves on an uncomfortable level and admit what their role in the demise of a relationship was. It’s not easy, and most people just cut their losses and move on or completely point the finger at the other person and hold themselves blameless. Me personally, as an emotional creature with oversharing tendencies and a penchant for self analysis – I know exactly what happened in my relationship with my ex-husband.

There is such a mix of feelings and ideals now a days in our culture, that it’s hard to fall to one side or the other but the grey area can be confusing. What I mean is, there is such a stigma to getting a divorce (especially when children are involved) if you have any sort of moral or Godly convictions. The result is people staying together for the children or because they believe that God does not want them to divorce and he can fix anything. The flip side to that is people rushing into relationships and marriages, not taking the time to get to know their partners well enough before making a commitment and then entering into a marriage always holding the door open for divorce. Marriage does not seem like the commitment that it once was, like when my grandparents were married. And mainstream society seems to push the idea that staying with one person for the rest of your life is a thing of the past. There is such a thing as being with the WRONG person though. And to commit to the wrong person for the rest of your life is how people end up miserable and hating each other and life. Maybe I’m saying all of this to justify to myself the reason for getting a divorce… maybe I don’t need to justify it because my happiness is enough justification.

I belong to the other scenario…. the one where I was irresponsible in my younger years and did not consider the consequences of my actions until it was too late. I got pregnant before really getting to know the man and then I felt obligated to stay with him for the sake of the child and because I was too scared to attempt it alone. I met my child’s father while I was trying to move out of an unhealthy living situation with a companion. There was no love or attraction between me and the man I was living with, and after 1 1/2 years of no love, I had enough. The attraction between myself and my child’s father was just that – a physical attraction. He came at a time when I needed the attention and to feel something other than complacent… I did not seek out a relationship, he actually pursued me quite a bit before I gave in. Our courtship was not so much a courtship of getting to know each other, but a series of meeting and physical encounters. It was lust, plain and simple. Roughly 3 months after I gave in to his pursuit, I got pregnant. I knew, I KNEW before I got pregnant that it was not going to work as a long term relationship with this guy. 15 year age difference, different stages in life, culture difference, nothing in common – not music or movies or basic interests. We were simply what each other needed at that time in our lives and our actions resulted in a child.

I will NEVER regret getting pregnant with Ayden, he truly saved my life and I consider him the greatest gift. I do however, regret the decision to stay with his father for as long as I did. I will not rehash every detail and if you have read any of my other posts then you would know that I have been unhappy for a long time. I kept convincing myself that I had to make it work for the sake of Ayden, so he didn’t have to come from a broken home like I did. I had condemned myself to a loveless relationship and a life of misery because I thought that was the sacrifice I was supposed to make for my son. Then, in 2015 after trying therapy and everything I could have, I realized that it was never going to get any better. I did not love the father of my child, and in fact I never had. I was so unhappy that I was angry all the time and it was starting to affect my son.

No I am not happy about all of the decisions I have made that led up to this point, but I am happy about the decision to finally consider that I deserve to be happy and I don’t have to stay with the father of my child, due to some warped sense of obligation. I am getting back to myself, a better version, and I cannot and will not regret. that. I do not want my son to grow up in a house of negativity and no love. I did, and it was a detriment to my well being.

There are still some rough days, but I am happy now and I know my son sees the difference. I can only pray that I am able to help him through the pain that my decisions have caused him. I hope he doesn’t ever find himself in the same position because I don’t want to hear him say “now I know what you went through”.

About Amy

Hello! I am 33 years old, a wife (just recently in 2012) and a mother (that came first in 2009). I used to be fairly laid back, but having a kid really upped my sensitivty which was heightened already. I really believe in saying how I feel, when I feel it. I express my feelings - alot - maybe too much...but I feel that it lets everyone know where I stand so that there is no confusion. And, I would like the same in return - but... good luck with that!
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